


The Voices In My Head (They Ask If I'm A Man Or Monster)

by Willow_Angel



Series: Cherik Playlist [1]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Charles Xavier has a Ph.D in Adorable, During and after XMFC, Erik Has Feelings, Erik has Issues, Erik is Crushing Harder than a 12-year Old Girl, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay and Mutant in the 1960s, M/M, NateWantsToBattle - Freeform, Playlist, Song - Freeform, Songfic, These tags are brilliant, lyrics, these two love each other so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:24:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9132151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow_Angel/pseuds/Willow_Angel
Summary: Whenever Erik lay in bed, his mind wandered.Charles saved him, took him in, cared for him unconditionally. Charles didn’t ask for anything in return. He put up with Erik’s dark mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Accepted them, even. Accepted him.Charles helped him control and expand his powers. Charles showed him memories that he’d forgotten he had. That he’d buried. Charles showed Erik that maybe he didn’t have to rely on pure rage alone.Title and inspiration from "Unaligned" by NateWantsToBattle.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So Cherik is a thing that has taken over my soul, so I'm starting a one-shot series based on a playlist I've put together for these two lovelies! I think they'll all be in some sort of canon-verse (even though the timeline for these movies is effed up in many ways).
> 
> The opening and closing italics are from the chorus of:
> 
> Song: Unaligned  
> Artist: NateWantsToBattle  
> Album: Bad Time
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :D

_How could I live on with what I’ve done?_  
_You took me in, showed me love_  
_When I had nowhere to run_

 

Whenever Erik lay in bed, his mind wandered.

Before he met Charles, his mind would always wander first to Schmidt – Sebastian Shaw. He would imagine how their meeting would play out, how he would feel when he finally watched the life drain out of the man’s eyes. He thought he would feel elated, or complete, or calm.

In reality, he felt nothing. He had felt nothing before he drove the coin through Shaw’s skull, and he had felt nothing after. He had felt nothing before he put the helmet on, he had felt nothing after. He thought that he would continue to feel nothing for the rest of his time.

After he met Charles, there was more to think about as he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. After he met Charles, his mind always wandered first to him. He pondered the man freely, knowing that Charles wouldn’t invade his thoughts. He wondered why Charles dived into the ocean after him. He had been perfectly willing to die in pursuit of his goal. But Charles… Charles had seemingly jumped in after him without a second thought. He had risked his own health and his own life in an attempt to save Erik’s. Erik wondered why.

He wondered where he would be if Charles hadn’t done that. If Charles hadn’t even been there to begin with. He’d probably be dead, or freezing somewhere. Bu he was certain that he’d be alone. He’d always wanted to be alone. Caring for anybody was a hindrance, a liability, something that he couldn’t afford. Or, he had thought that. Before Charles.

Charles saved him, took him in, cared for him unconditionally. Charles didn’t ask for anything in return. He put up with Erik’s dark mannerisms and thoughts and actions. Accepted them, even. Accepted _him_.

Charles helped him control and expand his powers. Charles showed him memories that he’d forgotten he had. That he’d buried. Charles showed Erik that maybe he didn’t have to rely on pure rage alone.

 

Once he lay in bed at night, and Charles lay in Erik’s arms. He looked so peaceful as he slept, curled into Erik’s side, cheek resting against Erik’s shoulder and one arm across Erik’s chest, their legs tangled together. As Erik thought, he absentmindedly ran his hand up and down Charles’s side. He thought about Charles’s impossibly blue eyes and how the fire danced in them when he was angry, and how they produced their own light when he was happy. He thought about Charles’s smile, the way it made him look even more beautiful than normal. He thought about that one particular smile that he gave to nobody else, that only Erik saw on occasion over a chess match, and how it somehow broke through every barrier that Erik had ever put up.

He thought about Charles’s lips, and how beautiful they were. They were so soft and his kisses were so loving and full of raw emotion that Erik wanted to cry. He thought about how their lips had slotted together so perfectly, and how they left trails of fireworks on Erik’s skin. He thought about Charles’s hands and the way they had cupped Erik’s face and stroked along his cheekbone and tangled in his hair. He thought about how they had moved across Erik’s entire body like he had been trying to memorise every bump and curve that Erik possessed.

Charles hummed in content as Erik stroked his side, and he opened his beautiful blue eyes to look up at Erik. His lips curved into a small, delicate smile that Erik wanted to kiss right off of his face.

“What are you thinking about?” Charles asked him, his hand trailing up to Erik’s neck, where he stroked his thumb along Erik’s jawbone.

“You,” Erik replied. “ _Mein geliebter, du bist schön_.” He leant down and captured Charles’s lips in a chaste kiss, and Charles responded in kind. He broke away just long enough to add, “ _Und du bist mein_ ,” and kissed him softly again.

Charles stopped their kiss all too soon and asked, “What does that mean?”

Erik didn’t know how to explain what he felt for this beautiful boy. The only thing that left his mouth was, “ _Mein geliebter_ _, ich bin dein_.”

Charles laughed softly. “You know I don’t speak German, my love,” he said, and Erik couldn’t help a smile. He just pulled Charles closer to him, placing short kisses on his cheeks, brow and nose, and a longer one on his lips. He just wanted, _needed_ Charles to be closer to him. He needed Charles to know how he felt in this moment.

“ _Ich liebe dich,_ Charles,” he murmured against the telepath’s lips. “ _Ich liebe dich über alles_.”

He knew that Charles at least understood the meaning behind the words.

“I love you, Erik,” Charles whispered.

Erik thought about the beautiful Charles Xavier – _his_ Charles, his love. He thought about being by Charles’s side for the rest of his days, and having Charles by his side.

It was beautiful.

 

He lay in bed again, but again he was alone. He thought about Charles, the way that those blue eyes had looked at him as if he were a stranger, or someone that he was desperately trying to reconnect with after so long apart.

He and Charles… it turned out that they were not meant to be.

But he missed him. After he killed Shaw, he thought that he and Charles would finally be on the same page, and forever sleep in the same bed, and could finally be together. He thought that the love they shared would put them on even ground.

Evidently, he had thought wrong.

Sometimes he wanted to throw it all away to go back to Charles, to throw away everything he had worked for, if it meant he could be with Charles again, even if only for a short time. He thought about Charles’s eyes, and hands, and lips, and words, and he wanted nothing more.

But… he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be welcome in Charles’s arms anymore, not even in the mansion he had wanted to call home – that he _had_ called home in the nights he had Charles lay together. He had thrown away Charles’s love for him even as he had held on so tightly to his love for Charles. He wouldn’t be welcome there now, and he thought he never would.

He was unaligned.

He wasn’t sure he could last much longer.

 

 _You offered me your everything_  
_And I threw it all away_  
_My indecision keeps me unaligned_

**Author's Note:**

> Mein geliebter, du bist schön: My beloved, you are beautiful.
> 
> Und du bist mein: And you are mine.
> 
> Mein geliebter, ich bin dein: My love, I am yours.
> 
> Ich liebe dich, Charles: I love you, Charles.
> 
> Ich liebe dich über alles: I love you so much.
> 
> I do not speak German! This is all thanks to Google Translate! If any of you speak German and these aren't correct, please correct me in the comments! Thank you! :D


End file.
